Friday, November 9, 2007

Tales from a Cat House

Annie has the sniffles. Actually, she has the full-blown, snot-filled sneezes. It's not attractive at all. It's probably really uncomfortable for her, too, since she reflexively shakes her entire monstrous head with each sneeze. She must have quite a case of kitty whiplash by now.

But it does make her very cuddly, which is unusual. She typically only likes to sit with me about once a week, in the middle of the night when it's very quiet. And she's usually done with me within about 10 minutes. If I didn't know better, I'd think she were a man.

But when she's feeling under the weather, I'm her favorite person, and it's kinda hard to get her off my lap. I'm sure it's mostly for the warmth, but she actually seems to enjoy being with me & all the attention she gets. Which is very sweet, but it makes it a bit tricky to use my laptop Keith when there's already something fat & furry in my lap.

I startled her a bit by starting to play some music, as her head was nestled up against the speaker. I thought that might shoo her away, but it turns out that she likes most of it. I did finally get rid of her with some Toadies, but she seemed to dig all my emo, and she was particulary fond of James Taylor. "Sweet Baby James" made her purr like crazy. Weird.

Her counterpart Blackie, on the other hand, is currently avoiding me. This could be because I yelled at her this morning when, in an attempt to wake me up (for no other reason than her own entertainment, mind you), she decided it would be a good idea to nibble on my face. She was mistaken, obviously.

Or, she could still be a bit skittish from yesterday, when I expressed my displeasure at having torn my bedroom apart for 6 hours, only to find that she had stolen my wedding ring. To be fair, I don't think she stole it on purpose, so I don't think we need to break out the cat handcuffs. Blackie, due to her unfortunate size, tends to... well, absorb things without realizing it, kinda like the Blob. I'm not sure if these things just become hopelessly trapped in her belly fat, or if maybe they can't escape her gravitational pull. But we always check there first when anything smaller than a breadbox is missing.

I'm not even exaggerating for effect here. She sucks up my TiVo remote all the time, sometimes changing channels inadvertently when she breathes. (And those things are pretty big - you can see it in the above Annie picture, laying on Mark's left shoulder). She once assimilated my cell phone, and let me tell you: you haven't lived until you've seen a 25 lb. scaredy-cat try to figure out why her tummy is vibrating and playing Flight of the Conchords songs. She kept trying to run away from it, but the phone was so firmly lodged in her fat rolls that she had made several circuits of the house before it finally escaped. Kinda pitiful, really.

So, you may ask, why did I not look there for my ring in the first place? Ah, but I did. I gave her belly as thorough an investigation as I could, until she finally protested & hunkered off into the corner to her favorite non-people-furniture cozy spot: a fluffy, folded fleece blanket next to her cat tower. From there she observed as I methodically destroyed my bedroom, tearing apart my freshly-made bed, crawling under all the furniture with a flashlight, and performing a few less rational searches, as well (refrigerator? toaster oven? boxes still sealed from our last move 5 years ago? Surprisingly, no luck).

Then, after a nice long nap, Blackie decided it was time for a nosh and got up to eat. She was still standing on her fluffy blanket, stretching, when the ring finally became dislodged from her generous gut. As it landed with a gentle "plop", she looked at it for a moment with her head cocked sideways, then continued on to the food bowls. And while a huge wave of relief washed over me at the sight, the first words out of my mouth were: "BITCH CAT! You watched me look for that ring for HOURS!" Which, in retrospect, may have been a bit of an overreaction...

So that may be part of the reason why I'm being avoided today. Or she might just be wedged in a doorway somewhere, waiting to be rescued, like one of those 1000 lb. people who can't get out of their own house without knocking down a wall.

I'd better go check, just in case.

Now playing: Toadies - Possum Kingdom
via FoxyTunes

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